Greetings, wonderful supporters!
If you’re anything like me (and I bet you are), you wake up every morning asking, “Why, lord? Why?”
When no one answers, you lie there in a daze for a while until finally ambling off to the kitchen where you absent-mindedly ignore a bowl of cereal, grind your teeth and dream up new ways to make me money.
What’s that you say? This doesn’t describe your average morning at all? No matter. Today, I’m generously offering you a guide chocked full of ideas to help me raise more funds, conceived of by the greatest minds on this or any planet, and crudely illustrated by yours truly.
Now, now… no need to thank me, citizen. Consider it a mitzvah.
Warning: Many of these suggestions constitute felonies in certain uptight jurisdictions, while others are more than likely crimes against nature, against one God or another, or against the very fabric of the Universe itself. The fact that I authored this document should not be considered an endorsement, and I hereby disclaim responsibility for any atrocities which may result from its application.
Idea #1 – Accost Strangers
Every day, you pass hundreds or sometimes thousands of people on the street. Simply shouting garbled gibberish at them can be reasonably effective, but if you really want to get me money (and I know you do), you’ll want to consider acquiring a cardboard sign and chasing people until they’re too exhausted and terrified to resist your *ahem* charms.
Setup Cost: < $1
Earning Potential: $1-$50 Daily
Idea #2 – Mug Strangers
Much like the above, but involves a greater initial cash outlay for business materials. For the price of a simple knife, you can squiztuple your earnings!
Setup Cost: ~$15
Earning Potential: $20-$500 Daily
Idea #3 – 419 Scamming
Are you the widow of a Nigerian Prince whose vast fortune is in danger of being seized by a corrupt government? Neither am I, but that shouldn’t slow us down. Simply email the kindest, sweetest and most gullible people you can find, and let them know they can help you by depositing a few thousand dollars into an offshore bank account, where you will then transfer your late husbands fortune in order to protect it… or some such fallacious malarky.
Setup Cost: Nothing but time
Earning Potential: $5,000-$10,000 Weekly
Idea #4 – Farm Endangered Species
You’d be shocked how much people are willing to pay for things they’re not supposed to have. In this case, you can appeal to their lust for the forbidden and their hatred of political correctness all at once. Simply capture a few members of an endangered species (e.g. Huxley Pandas, Mountain Gorillas, or Brazilian Mergansers, whatever the heck those are), then breed them and charge handsomely for the opportunity to hunt them, eat them, or whatever else rich weirdos will pay for.
Setup Cost: Maybe nothing, depending on locality.
Earning Potential: $1-$2 Million Yearly
Idea #5 – Summon a Greed Demon
If you have the right sacrifice and mystical words, you can summon an ancient personification of evil and greed to our world, and bid him to give you money… which you can then give to me. Great plan, right?
Setup Cost: 13 Virgins
Earning Potential: $666 Million Instantly
Idea #6 – Invent a Time Machine
A simple time machine would open up countless opportunities to make me money, and I’m disappointed that you didn’t think of it yourself. For instance, you could study the stock market, travel back in time, invest in a winner, then come back and allow me to reap your rewards. Too complicated? How about traveling back in time to steal someone’s gold? Or perhaps you could travel 5 hours into the future, snatch a dollar from yourself, then back to only 4 hours in the future to snatch that dollar and its duplicate, and so on ad infinitum. Be creative.
Setup Cost: $20K for a Delorean and some plutonium
Earning Potential: $8 Billion Every Yesterday
Future Cost: Paradox
Idea #7 – Open an Inter-Dimensional Rift
Some crackpot loonies have misinterpreted scientists and now believe in infinite parallel dimensions filled with everything one could ever imagine… and they’re right! How do I know? How else could ancient astronauts build the pyramids?! Thus, all you need to do is open a portal to a dimension where money is limitless and bring some of it back here to me.
Setup Cost: A scalpel with the mass of Jupiter, tuned to the natural harmonic resonance of the Universe
Earning Potential: All you can carry
Future Cost: The catastrophic unraveling of space and time
Idea #8 – Train an Army of Monkeys
Monkeys are adorable. They’re like little, wild versions of ourselves. They’re also mean little bastards that will chew your face off given the chance. With an army of such tiny, acrobatic monsters, a man could become unstoppable. Whole nations would fall to his power, and the world would be his oyster.
Setup Cost: On second thought, I’ll be implementing this one on my own.
There you have it: 8 exceptionally simple and easy methods for raising money. Most of them will make you rich beyond your imagination, and all I’m asking for is a little cut off the top. Is that unreasonable? I thought not.
Then again, I suppose these plans may (and I must stress may) be a little too adventurous for such tender and thoughtful scholars as yourselves. In that case, I guess I could just kindly ask you to tell a few friends about the project. Yes, I think that could do it… but where’s the fun in that?
PS – On second second thought, monkeys were a bad idea. Please send Animal Control. AAAGGGHHH!!!